Ceasing Promises of Forever

I was in a place where my heart was just something beating in my chest. I was unpredictably shattered and ready to surrender to a belief that life was totally against me. I turned off and shut out while becoming someone I no longer knew. I began to instill into myself that I could not and would not let anyone get close enough to hurt me again. The guard went up and was kept there with the internal surety that I was in control….. and then there was you. You walked in with an unknown kind of persistence that irritated me because you didn’t want to hear that we would or could never be. Months went by and swiftly transformed into years and there you were still. You waited patiently for something that I was still opposed to. The conversations and times we shared thereafter were ones that somehow connected us two but the leap for me was something I just wouldn’t allow myself to take. The curiosities I had when it came to thinking of you made me eager to discover what a life could possibly be like with you, but my guarded heart was still just something that beat in my chest. I didn’t want my heart to feel anything other than what it did to keep me living. Time went on and your persistence to be with me expanded. From the early morning calls to the throughout the day texts, you never succumbed on your mission or promises to be with me. How could you, who I had rejected all these years, still day in and out want to pursue me? Then it hit me…..you were so persistent because you were deep in love with the part of me that was petrified to be in love with you. So as I sit here and think of you and how I did eventually give us a try, your persistence and love for me I will always contemplate. It helped erase my fears and demolished a wall that was constructed to protect my heart. It all brings me back to the first day we began our lives as husband and wife to the last day of being mandated to say an unexpected and devastating goodbye. The person you were to me and our family is one that I excruciatingly miss. It may feel unfair at times on how we had to cease our promises of forever, but I have faith enough to know that this was our destiny and we lived in each moment from the beginning to our story’s ending….together.

Renell Cain

Forgive and Live on

There have been times when I held onto grudges and refused to forgive those who had wronged me. It would be months to years of isolation, thinking it would bring me peace. Although the peace I obtained existed, it was only temporary. The truth was that I could not run away from the unresolved issues, but face them head on. I would confess my feelings and set boundaries to assure that the same things wouldn’t reoccur. In those moments I accepted that there was absolutely nothing I could do to change any of it, so I embraced my willingness to forgive and moved on.

Describe a positive thing a family member has done for you.

The most positive thing family can do is be supportive at all times. It’s the little things, such as being that listening ear or shoulder to cry on, that upholds the positive energy.

What are 5 everyday things that bring you happiness?

The five everyday things that bring me happiness are: the relationship I have established with God, my children, my well-being, to have the beautiful gift of life, and last but not least, a peace of mind.

To Be Chosen

There must be something elucidating at the end of this tunnel. I bend down to climb in and the feeling of fear hits me. I am one that rarely asks “why?”, as it is a question that I may never want an answer for. So I shove the fear aside and begin to crawl into this unfamiliar space. It’s rough as I’m passing through each section of emotions where I feel my heart beginning to break….so I let it. Where I feel negative thoughts rushing through my mind…..so I get enraged. Where I feel numb…..so I’m stuck. Where I feel alone…..so I’m sad. Then there is a light I see a few crawls up the path. Once I’m within reach, every feeling I felt along the way subsides. It is replaced with God’s assurance. Assurance that He will always be there to fix my heart when it breaks. Assurance that all negative thoughts are only there to “attempt” to shift my faith in His love for me. Assurance that a state of numbness is when He has paused me to work a bit harder on restoration. Assurance that He constantly walks with me so I won’t ever be alone. I can feel myself smiling as I continue to crawl. I am not at the point of the tunnel where it says I must climb out….so I do. As I climb out into the fresh air and look up, there is a message in the sky that reads:

“Here is where your journey begins. For every time you may have questions, fall onto your knees and pray to me, knowing that I will come. And the question that you claim to never want an answer for is simply because I see many strengths in you to be chosen for this assignment.”

What book could you read over and over again?

All Your Perfects by: Colleen Hoover

Whispers in the Wind

I lie in bed in silence. The memories are all I have as I find myself drifting into deep sleep thinking of you. I am in this fantasy world where we are reconnected. It feels so real as I feel your presence being shared in this fabricated reality. Everything about you is the same except for your voice. It’s a whisper. One that isn’t clear and quickly fades away in the wind. I do my best to reach out and catch every word but they’re not within my reach. The words that fade away aren’t meant to be heard, only spoken. So know that I understand and I will wait for the day the clarity of your voice comes, and I can hear those muted words. I have accepted that your presence says it all for now. It assures me that you are with us and we are at peace…..and I awake.

A Piece of You

Losing you was one of the most difficult times of my life. I felt every feeling one could feel. The feeling of sadness from knowing that I would never be able to see or touch you in the living flesh again. The feeling of anger from thinking of all the things I could have done differently to not be in this place. The feeling of relief because watching you in sickness is the only marital vow my heart could not adhere to. And then there was the untold surprise I kept from you, never knowing that I would never get to verbalize it to you. The surprise that I know would have somehow changed a lot of things about you, as it was always something you had a burning desire to share with me. Well my love, here goes: We are having a baby. A baby girl to be exact. So for every time I want to miss and cry out for you, I feel the tiny piece you left behind and it slowly replaces my sorrow with joy.

Renell Cain

Losing To Gain

I never imagined that I would be one to sit in the seat of a widower, but God chose me to take this journey. There are days when I am sad and there are days when I choose not to be. I am still in the phase of understanding the “why’s” and “what if’s” and the process is just that….a process. God has given me an unknown strength on how to utilize different coping mechanisms, but the one that helps me the most is taking the time I need to grieve. There are going to be many who tell you that the pain will go away over time. It’s untrue. The pain of losing a loved one will never go away. It only eases with time, so I am going through this loss with the faith and hope to gain another life experience that I can share with and help others.